Musings on Feeling Conflicted

Every time I go out,
I always find myself
hoping
for even just a glimpse
of your brown, bespectacled face.

I don't know
when this started happening,
but one thing's for sure:
It started out as something
subconscious.
Now,
I'm fully aware
of how much
I want
to see you.

I tried
to assess my feelings
(or lack of)
by using a checklist
of the usual symptoms
of infatuation
as my guide.

Do I think about you often?
No.

Have my sleeping patterns
and eating habits
changed?
No.

Does your smile
make me have
butterflies in my stomach?
No.

Do I feel the urge
to gush about you
to my closest friends?
No.

Does my heart beat faster
when we talk?
No.

Have I ever dreamed about you?
Twice.

Do I stalk you
over the internet?
Well...I wouldn't really go so far
as to calling it stalking
because stalking would imply...
Alright, alright. Fine.
Yes.

Do I like you?
Possibly.

Well, at least I think
your smile is cute.
I think
your idiosyncrasies are cute, too.

Like how you seem to have
only one hand gesture when you speak;
Like how you slouch
when you walk;
Like how you look shy and sometimes stammer
but are actually really smart.
Like how you memorized
my Youtube comment
on a certain video and
"nonchalantly" tried to ask me
 if I had a Youtube account.

But that's it.
I just think you're cute.
Like a giant brown teddybear
that wears glasses
and amusing polo shirts.

So I'm certain
this isn't love.
Definitely NOT love.

A crush, maybe?

But I answered no
to almost all the questions
in the checklist.

Yet I always find myself
hoping
for even just a glimpse
of your brown, bespectacled face
whenever I go out.

And I'm writing a poem about you,
for crying out loud!

And I don't think
I like you
in that way,
but I still like you...I guess.

So I don't understand why
I feel this conflicted
about you
when I don't think
I even have a crush on you.
And I don't understand why
I want to make you
feel jealous,
which is absolutely ludricrous,
because I'll bet
you don't even remember
my name.
And I don't understand why
a smile blossoms on my face
whenever I get the chance to greet you:
"Good morning, ***."

-Nocturnal Scribe

Note: March 2, 2013; 12:00am

This blog is protected by the Philippine Copyright Law, Republic Act 8293.

None of the posts in this blog may be reproduced or copied—either completely or partially—in any forms or by any means without permission in writing to the Author.

© Nocturnal Scribe, 2013