The day you realize a malignant tumor has made a home inside your body,
The earth will stop spinning on its axis
And light and dark, sound and sense will cease to exist
And you'll wonder how you didn't see it coming.
You'll glare in despair at your reflection,
Panting, choking down sobs, heart pounding in your ears, torn between grief and infuriation;
Demanding to your body, "Why have you done this to me? I've treated you well, haven't I?
I got enough rest, ate healthy meals, even regularly exercised!"
"What about all those years of regular doctors appointments just to check if you were in tiptop shape?
You are the temple I burned incense to for years every day.
But you went ahead and turned my insides against me, spit in my face
A temple no more, but a brothel of disgrace!"
So you try to turn a blind eye to the tumor, sweep it under the rug, wishing it all to be but a bad dream,
It will not magically disappear; instead it will metastasize and curdle your bloodstream
Ignorance is not bliss when you pretend the poison won't spread like a drop of ink in a glass of clear water
Because every minute that tumor remains in you is foolish and stubborn indignation against getting better.
And you will get better
But not before getting so much worse
And when you finally decide to stop believing the lies and realize you need to rid yourself of this curse
You will get better
But not before getting so much worse
You'll schedule a doctor's appointment to go under the knife
You're scared to death, but you still hang on for dear life
Each chemo session drains whatever is left of who you are little by little
But you fight nonetheless, even when your soul is getting brittle.
Your lungs have filled and it's hard to breathe and your heart has suffered too many blows
Your stitches are fresh; your body is sore, still reeling from the chemo
The process is a painful way of dying every day just so you can live
The healing comes slowly, because it's hard to forget...it's hard to forgive
In your bare hospital gown, you look down at your body in a mix of grief and disgust
For years, you deluded yourself into thinking you were healthy; now, it's difficult to trust
The tumor may be out of your body now, but it feels like it's still there
The space it once occupied now feels strangely bare
The days that follow the extraction will be hands groping their way in the dark
You will eventually grow accustomed to the sensation of a jackhammer against your skull, a result of the oceans you cry
Some days, it gets better; most days, you are a coiled up millipede waiting to die
But each time you struggle to fill your lungs with air, you're reminded of this second chance you've been given; this fresh start
Waking up and forcing this facade of normalcy will be a feat even Hercules can't succeed
But remember you are stronger than the gods of old and you will someday emerge victorious
So until then, take as much time as your broken heart and weary soul need
And one day, you will rise again like the sun, powerful and glorious
But until then, there will be days when you'll wonder what would have happened if you'd kept your tumor
And you will begin to miss it later or sooner
And you will wonder why something that was once a part of you can bring you immense grief and pain?
And you will consider if taking back the tumor will make your life normal again.
But remember that whatever happens,
do not go back to whatever hurt you in the past
Do not go back to the love you know will never last
Do not go back to when your joys were outnumbered by your sorrows
Do not go back and hope in vain of better tomorrows
Do not go back thinking you can change what you cannot
Do not go back believing you need to right a wrong, that it was all your fault, because it's not
Do not go back to the "I love yous" and "If you really love me you'd do what I say"s
Do not go back; instead look ahead to hope of a new day
They say it's hardest to let go of mistakes you've spent so much time making
But clenched fists cannot receive the Heavenly Father's abundance of blessings
So let go... and learn to apologize to yourself for the mistakes you've made
Let go and learn to love and forgive yourself and allow the renewing of God's grace
The day you realize a malignant tumor has made a home inside your body,
You should take that tumor right out immediately
And promise yourself never to let back in something God has saved you from
Instead, allow yourself to heal and grow and laugh and cry and love and become
Society calls those who have rid themselves of cancer as survivors
And though your scars are invisible to the naked eye, take pride
For they have made you stronger, braver, and wiser
Because you who were once broken will again be made whole; you were once lost, but now you're found; you were dead, but now alive.
-Nocturnal Scribe
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© Nocturnal Scribe, 2018
